kicked in the stomach

Sometimes you get the wind knocked out of you metaphorically speaking. Can getting on our mats help us find acceptance?


I recently experienced that feeling of being kicked in the stomach. Obviously, I mean this figuratively. I was expecting someone in my life to treat me respectfully, honestly and kindly. As sometimes occurs in life, what I expected and what really happened were not the same. Along with this expectation came suffering, accompanied by disbelief, anger and for all who know me, of course, a short river of tears.

Does having expectations set us up for feeling disheartened? Does having expectations keep us driven and goal oriented? Or, does having expectations take us out of the moment, out of knowing that we are part of something bigger?

Have you ever been told to lower your expectations? My first reaction when I heard “ lower your expectations” was to bristle like a porcupine. This went against everything I believed and knew to be true. I grew up with goals and expectations. This was what I believed to equal success. Set goals, expect the best of yourself, put everything into what you do and good things will happen.

Didn’t expectations from my parents keep me on the straight and narrow path in high school? Didn’t the expectation that I would graduate from college keep me going to class on Friday mornings when everyone else I knew was playing Frisbee on the quad? Didn’t expectations of attending graduate school keep me focused through my senior year at Southern? Didn’t the expectation of a good job after graduate school keep me plugging away at my research? This could go on and on… expectations in marriage, in family, work, in relationships with friends, co-workers, etc, Would I have fallen flat if there hadn’t been expectations? Would I be a lousy partner, a lousy social worker and a disappointing friend without expectations?

What if, just what if, instead of expecting anything, we practiced accepting reality, being present for whatever is actually happening. Reality is what is happening right now, and right now and right now. Everything we think about what is happening, everything we expect, is just thinking about reality. That is very different than accepting reality.

But how, oh how, can this be? If we don’t have expectations how will anything ever get done? If we don’t have expectations how will our kids get to college and learn to be respectful? If we don’t have expectations how will our husbands ever remember to put the toilet seat down? If we don’t expect our employees to be at work on time and do their jobs, how will they ever become contributing members of the agency? Hmm. It sounds like maybe we believe our expectations are what make us do things and make other people do things. Is it the expectation, or could it be something bigger?

Almost anytime we are suffering, we can bet we are arguing with reality. The arguing might be in our heads or coming out of our mouths. Either way, reality is reality. We might not like it, it might not be what we expected, it might not be what we were wishing would happen, but it’s reality.

We don’t really need to expect things to be any other way than they are. It sounds so simple doesn’t it? So, let’s say we don’t expect our kids to take out the trash. We ask them to, but we don’t expect them to follow our request. We provide the request and if it isn’t done we address the reality of the situation. The alternative is this:
You say: please take out the trash (in your head you are thinking: I have been through this a million times, I know his/her patterns, he never does what I ask, he is so lazy, I bet he forgets, he will probably just play video games, why doesn’t he respect me…….). So, while waiting to see if the trash is taken out, we are spinning the web of thoughts (expectations) and we are suffering. Our mood drops and we end up yelling about the trash still sitting in the kitchen, rather than effectively coming up with a solution. You see, the expectation is really unnecessary. In fact, the buying into the expectation takes you out of the present, out of experiencing the moment. Anytime we are waiting for something- we aren’t here!

So, is it true that people in life are causing me heartbreak and disappointment? Or could it be, that expectations are the real culprit. I mean, people are just people. It seems to me that all people are just doing the best they can. I know some would disagree, but from this view, if someone could be doing something better, they would be doing it. It might look like on the surface people could be kinder, smarter, more honest, more ethical and more compassionate. But don’t you think generally, they would be doing that if they could? It points us to the idea that everyone has their own path, their own road to walk. We are all moving along a path, doing the best we can, putting one foot in front of the other.

After that recent “kick in the stomach” I slowly, sluggishly got on the mat. I was afforded the beautiful and somewhat painful opportunity to see my head spinning around like a top. I found myself moving through molasses in surya namaskara, holding my breath during standing postures and absent mindedly skipping postures in the ashtanga series. As I moved onto the floor and reached janu sirsasana (head to knee pose) my hamstring woke me out of the reverie. It reminded me of some “catch” I have been living with in the left side of the back body. There was a split second where I realized I could sense the tightness and discomfort and fight the reality of it, or surrender. I could surrender to what the hamstring was saying, or screaming, or I could fight it. I could push and push, expect that my body shouldn’t have this problem and wish it wasn’t so, or, I could soften and be with what was true. From there, I had a glimpse, a tiny view of the perfection of the “kick in the stomach.” I could see people are just people, doing what people do. I didn’t have to buy into the expectation that my hamstring would have suddenly healed and I didn’t have to buy into the expectation that I shouldn’t ever be “kicked in the stomach.” I didn’t have to buy into the expectation that if I do the best I can and treat people with kindness and compassion, that they will do the same towards me. I didn’t have to believe, or wish, or expect it to be any different than it was.

In the Bhagavad Gita, Arjuna is taught by Krishna to act without concern for the fruits of his actions. In other words, in my words, this means we don’t act compassionately and do our best because we are looking for something in return. We do the right thing and act compassionately so we can turn over the fruits of our labor, the fruits of our actions to some presence bigger than ourselves. We can allow our yoga practice to open us to the realization that we beings are all the same at the source. The practice can open us to see that we are all following the path as best we can. Most of all, it can remind us we are all human, fumbling through…even the one kicking.