Over the past five months I have helped care for someone who is seriously ill. This time has brought me face to face with all kinds of philosophical issues. As I helped my friend think about some of the decisions she (or someone she loves) might need to make at the end of her life, it of course made me think about them in relationship to my own life.
It is interesting to me how often we put off these conversations, or put off thinking about our own death. It’s gonna happen, we can count on it. A few years after Vince and I were married we completed a ten day residential retreat at the ToDo Institue in Vermont. There were two exercises that we completed during the retreat that have stayed with me over the past ten years. The first one was that I had to spend the entire day without saying the word “I”. That’s enough to freak a person out. Anyway, the exercise relevant to this rambling is the exercise where we wrote our own eulogy and then had to lie in a make shift coffin (with a sheet over us) while someone read our eulogy. I recognize this might sound freaky. But honestly, it was really powerful. What would your eulogy say?
Would your eulogy say that you were not afraid to open your heart? Would it say that you weren’t scared to be compassionate? Would it say that you were “devoted” to your job or devoted to seeing love in everyone you met? Are you living the live you want? Are you acting in accordance with your values, with what you believe? Have you prioritized in a way that allows you to do what you love? Are you surrounded by people you love? Are you living a life of obligation?
We are given the opportunity in our yoga practice to be in savasana (corpse pose) at the end of our asana practice. I realize that sometimes we see this as resting, or recovery from a strong practice. It seems to me that if we use it as rest and/or recovery, we are missing a great opportunity to become more and more intimate with death. This doesn’t need to be morbid. It could be a reminder that the body will die. It will die. It could serve as a reminder that who you are inhabits a body or that your body is the vessel that houses your soul. It could be a reminder that every moment is fresh and the moment before this one died, it doesn’t exist anymore except in our memory. It could be a reminder that the present moment is all that exists. It could remind us that we get to start over and over and over every moment.
We can be grateful that we have a yoga practice that allows us to see past these bodies we live in.
Living our yoga practice means our work continues after we roll up our sticky mat. Yoga practice is about way more than putting your foot behind your head. Thank goodness!
FACE IT, THE SPARK IS IN THERE
When she spoke about Sudan she said “it’s really not about the places, it’s about the faces.” He said to me “maybe you could just take this response you are having at face value.” I read about “facing” emotions. The song says “turn and face the changes.”
If you combine all of those statements and live from them, you have someone who values relationships, is able to live with people without always looking for something lurking underneath, is able to face what is present and know that everything changes.
Is it possible faces could be the billboard we have all been looking for, the sign, the reminder of how to live our lives. Could it be that all we have to do is look in people’s eyes and we will see truth?
Have you ever heard anyone say that when we are with people they reflect back to us what we are projecting out into the universe. Shoot. That means when we see something ugly in someone else, it’s really our ugly we are looking at. It also means when we see some irritating habit, we are actually looking at some version of our own irritating self. So, if I am with you and you tend to look at the world “half empty” it will only irritate me if I have the tendency to look at the world “half empty.” This would also mean if I look at you and see pure, calm, love that I am actually seeing myself. Your eyes are the beautiful pools of clearness that reflect back to me that I am pure, calm, love.
Is it possible that I can only see you as pure, calm, love if I see myself that way. It would work that way, right? If I see in you my reflection then I’d better see myself as love. If I see myself as crazy and neurotic and irritating and not worth much, then watch the heck out….i’m gonna see that in you. Yuck!
When is the last time you actually looked at someone directly in the eyes. Was it moving? Did you see yourself? Did you see love? I don’t mean romantic love. I mean unwavering, unchangeable, unflappable love. I mean the love that is you, that is me. The love that is everyone, even our enemies, even the people we can’t stand….the people we can’t stand to love.
Vince and I have this great ten minute video called “It’s in everyone of us.” The video is ten minutes of people's faces. I believe "it" is in everyone of us. I believe this "it" is love. I believe this is true. I believe love is in everyone of us. Is us. Take a look. Look in your mirror…or the person who is sitting across from you. The spark is in there. It never leaves and there are no exceptions.
Check out the song on Itunes…It’s In Everyone One of Us by Dennis Young
If you combine all of those statements and live from them, you have someone who values relationships, is able to live with people without always looking for something lurking underneath, is able to face what is present and know that everything changes.
Is it possible faces could be the billboard we have all been looking for, the sign, the reminder of how to live our lives. Could it be that all we have to do is look in people’s eyes and we will see truth?
Have you ever heard anyone say that when we are with people they reflect back to us what we are projecting out into the universe. Shoot. That means when we see something ugly in someone else, it’s really our ugly we are looking at. It also means when we see some irritating habit, we are actually looking at some version of our own irritating self. So, if I am with you and you tend to look at the world “half empty” it will only irritate me if I have the tendency to look at the world “half empty.” This would also mean if I look at you and see pure, calm, love that I am actually seeing myself. Your eyes are the beautiful pools of clearness that reflect back to me that I am pure, calm, love.
Is it possible that I can only see you as pure, calm, love if I see myself that way. It would work that way, right? If I see in you my reflection then I’d better see myself as love. If I see myself as crazy and neurotic and irritating and not worth much, then watch the heck out….i’m gonna see that in you. Yuck!
When is the last time you actually looked at someone directly in the eyes. Was it moving? Did you see yourself? Did you see love? I don’t mean romantic love. I mean unwavering, unchangeable, unflappable love. I mean the love that is you, that is me. The love that is everyone, even our enemies, even the people we can’t stand….the people we can’t stand to love.
Vince and I have this great ten minute video called “It’s in everyone of us.” The video is ten minutes of people's faces. I believe "it" is in everyone of us. I believe this "it" is love. I believe this is true. I believe love is in everyone of us. Is us. Take a look. Look in your mirror…or the person who is sitting across from you. The spark is in there. It never leaves and there are no exceptions.
Check out the song on Itunes…It’s In Everyone One of Us by Dennis Young
Addicted to Achievement
I read the Underachiever’s Manifesto over the weekend and realized I am an addict. Addicted to achievement. I am so addicted to achievement I may need some sort of meeting. Do they have a 12 Step group for this? Really.
I am wondering how good of an underachiever I could be? Funny, but not really that funny.
This past fall someone mentioned to me that I’m human. Oh. Of course I am. I am not so narcissistic that I believe I’m perfect. But then I do that “exception thing” in my head. Does that sound like an addict or what? In my head it goes like this….”well, I am human, but I should be better, know better, do better, expect more from myself…”. When I am following the ridiculous line of thinking in my head I absolutely expect myself to be perfect. You can imagine the suffering that comes when I have a pimple and a bad hair day and I’m grumpy and I’m 4 minutes late to a meeting and I forgot to pick up Vince’s medicine and I haven’t talked to my Mom in a week and I realize I am still not perfect. This is exhausting.
The author of the Underachiever’s Manifesto suggests:
“The word perfect shouldn’t even be in the underachiever’s vocabulary. To seek perfection is to be cursed to find fault in the perfectly adequate, enjoyable, or even just plain good….it’s pursuit is the driving mania of the overachiever….frighteningly easy and almost inevitable to push things past good to the neurotically overworked, the belabored, and the endlessly second guessed. If something is worth doing at all, sometimes it’s worth doing it half-assed.”
Let’s just say that last line is not the motto I grew up with. The innocent message “do your best” translated in my mind as “be perfect.”
I am going to permanently erase the word perfect out of my vocabulary. I will do it perfectly. Really. I am going to take a yoga teaching sabbatical until August. I’m going to enjoy a calendar that is perfectly clear of a zillion activities. I’m going to be perfectly clear with boundaries. I’m going to underachieve. Really. The other way is making me nuts.
The author, Ray Bennett, suggests “If no one in your life thinks you’re failing to live up to your full potential, then you’ve got work to do.”
I hope the next time I see you, you will think I am not living up to my potential.
The Underachiever’s Manifesto
The guide to Accomplishing Little and Feeling Great
Ray Bennett, M.D.
Isbn-10 0-8118-5368-2
I am wondering how good of an underachiever I could be? Funny, but not really that funny.
This past fall someone mentioned to me that I’m human. Oh. Of course I am. I am not so narcissistic that I believe I’m perfect. But then I do that “exception thing” in my head. Does that sound like an addict or what? In my head it goes like this….”well, I am human, but I should be better, know better, do better, expect more from myself…”. When I am following the ridiculous line of thinking in my head I absolutely expect myself to be perfect. You can imagine the suffering that comes when I have a pimple and a bad hair day and I’m grumpy and I’m 4 minutes late to a meeting and I forgot to pick up Vince’s medicine and I haven’t talked to my Mom in a week and I realize I am still not perfect. This is exhausting.
The author of the Underachiever’s Manifesto suggests:
“The word perfect shouldn’t even be in the underachiever’s vocabulary. To seek perfection is to be cursed to find fault in the perfectly adequate, enjoyable, or even just plain good….it’s pursuit is the driving mania of the overachiever….frighteningly easy and almost inevitable to push things past good to the neurotically overworked, the belabored, and the endlessly second guessed. If something is worth doing at all, sometimes it’s worth doing it half-assed.”
Let’s just say that last line is not the motto I grew up with. The innocent message “do your best” translated in my mind as “be perfect.”
I am going to permanently erase the word perfect out of my vocabulary. I will do it perfectly. Really. I am going to take a yoga teaching sabbatical until August. I’m going to enjoy a calendar that is perfectly clear of a zillion activities. I’m going to be perfectly clear with boundaries. I’m going to underachieve. Really. The other way is making me nuts.
The author, Ray Bennett, suggests “If no one in your life thinks you’re failing to live up to your full potential, then you’ve got work to do.”
I hope the next time I see you, you will think I am not living up to my potential.
The Underachiever’s Manifesto
The guide to Accomplishing Little and Feeling Great
Ray Bennett, M.D.
Isbn-10 0-8118-5368-2
tired of tireless
I have been working a lot lately. Day-job work, not yoga teaching work. I want to say that I believe whole heartedly in the work I do each day. I believe it helps the lives of kids and I believe it is worth wile. Having said that, I can also acknowledge the difficulty I am having keeping up the pace I expect of myself in this job.
One of the days I was gone in October, Vince said "it's the most beautiful day of the fall." I missed it. I was away for work. Recently I was in the car with a friend and she said "you multi-task better than anyone I know." OUCH! I spent the Thanksgiving holiday catching up on rest. In fact, Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend I didn't go hiking with Vince and our friends because I wanted some time at home to rest, read and...dare I say...recover. Ahh yes, recovering from this life I have been leading.
Today I ate lunch at my desk, in between meetings. I moved steadily, without a break from 8-4, drove to the studio and immediately began yoga teacher work till 8, cleaned up after classes, took messages, made a work call on the way home, made dinner while checking in with a friend who is sick, talked to friend while eating dinner, talked to vince for about 3 minutes, looked for vince's lost cell phone, answered 3 emails, texted a friend, texted my sister, and went to bed. It's 10:51 and now I have some time to write. The good news is I have been breathing all day. Consciously breathing. But seriously, who lives this way? Who lives this way on purpose?
A few weeks ago I had lunch with 2 friends and I left realizing they don't feel crazy on the inside. I realized they don't live crazy. I realized I'm livin crazy.
I have been asking myself and people close to me....what in the hell am i doing? What is all of this for? The tireless advocate for, well, for lot's of things..becomes tired. And then what? I move on and someone else will pick up the stick. Someone else will fill in. I realize there is a hint of narcissism in living life this way. A hint, if not a shout, of ego. Do I live this way because I don't believe other people are able, capable or willing? Do I live this way because I believe I hold the key? Ugh. That is so icky and although I seem to live like that I don't believe that in my heart. I know so many people who are constantly advocating for kids and advocating for friendly and accessible yoga and yet I function as if it's just me...as if I am a separate entity functioning (that functioning word might be used loosely here) all alone in this world.
Yesterday, while "recovering" on the couch it occurred to me (again) that this constant desire, constant need, to improve myself and to improve the world is really missing the point. It isn't that growing or improvement is inherently bad or wrong, it's just that maybe it's used to escape being with the quiet. Maybe I'm afraid I can't be happy sitting on the couch watching the birds, or taking the dogs for a walk or living a quiet life. Maybe, ultimately I'm afraid of a life where I'm not constantly trying to make the world a better place. Maybe I don't trust in my bones that everything is okay, just perfect, the way it is. Maybe I don't really believe that the world is okay as it is. Maybe I am afraid of not making a difference, not being remembered. Maybe i have forgotten that Ami is just a personality, in a body, moving through space....as energy that is a part of everything and everyone...which is not separate...which doesn't need remembered...which doesn't need to leave a mark on the world.
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