One of the days I was gone in October, Vince said "it's the most beautiful day of the fall." I missed it. I was away for work. Recently I was in the car with a friend and she said "you multi-task better than anyone I know." OUCH! I spent the Thanksgiving holiday catching up on rest. In fact, Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend I didn't go hiking with Vince and our friends because I wanted some time at home to rest, read and...dare I say...recover. Ahh yes, recovering from this life I have been leading.
Today I ate lunch at my desk, in between meetings. I moved steadily, without a break from 8-4, drove to the studio and immediately began yoga teacher work till 8, cleaned up after classes, took messages, made a work call on the way home, made dinner while checking in with a friend who is sick, talked to friend while eating dinner, talked to vince for about 3 minutes, looked for vince's lost cell phone, answered 3 emails, texted a friend, texted my sister, and went to bed. It's 10:51 and now I have some time to write. The good news is I have been breathing all day. Consciously breathing. But seriously, who lives this way? Who lives this way on purpose?
A few weeks ago I had lunch with 2 friends and I left realizing they don't feel crazy on the inside. I realized they don't live crazy. I realized I'm livin crazy.
I have been asking myself and people close to me....what in the hell am i doing? What is all of this for? The tireless advocate for, well, for lot's of things..becomes tired. And then what? I move on and someone else will pick up the stick. Someone else will fill in. I realize there is a hint of narcissism in living life this way. A hint, if not a shout, of ego. Do I live this way because I don't believe other people are able, capable or willing? Do I live this way because I believe I hold the key? Ugh. That is so icky and although I seem to live like that I don't believe that in my heart. I know so many people who are constantly advocating for kids and advocating for friendly and accessible yoga and yet I function as if it's just me...as if I am a separate entity functioning (that functioning word might be used loosely here) all alone in this world.
Yesterday, while "recovering" on the couch it occurred to me (again) that this constant desire, constant need, to improve myself and to improve the world is really missing the point. It isn't that growing or improvement is inherently bad or wrong, it's just that maybe it's used to escape being with the quiet. Maybe I'm afraid I can't be happy sitting on the couch watching the birds, or taking the dogs for a walk or living a quiet life. Maybe, ultimately I'm afraid of a life where I'm not constantly trying to make the world a better place. Maybe I don't trust in my bones that everything is okay, just perfect, the way it is. Maybe I don't really believe that the world is okay as it is. Maybe I am afraid of not making a difference, not being remembered. Maybe i have forgotten that Ami is just a personality, in a body, moving through space....as energy that is a part of everything and everyone...which is not separate...which doesn't need remembered...which doesn't need to leave a mark on the world.
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