Freedom from Fragility

Are we all fragile? What keeps us from breaking emotionally?



FREEDOM FROM FRAGILITY


Ingrid Michaelson sings: “Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts? Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts...we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise…we are all just breakable girls and boys….”

Have you heard the “cracking bones” lately? Have you noticed how fragile we all seem? Human fragileness has been on my mind lately. Sometimes I feel so fragile, so sensitive. Sometimes it looks like we live in a world where we are fragile, where our feelings are hurt easily, where we hold grudges and where we shut down and stop communicating with one another. If we recognize our own fragileness, then why can’t we more easily see how fragile everyone else is and find forgiveness behind the cage of rib bones and various parts?

Until recently, I don’t believe I had a very mature understanding of forgiveness. I had been hoping I could stumble into some wise answers. I had been hoping to meet some wise counsel who could walk me through a gate of heavenly forgiveness or bump into some old, wrinkled yogi with a long beard who could point me exactly to the spot inside myself where this answer lies. I did bump into a yogi with wise counsel, but not a wrinkled, long bearded yogi.

On the surface, I do believe yoga asana practice has helped me to learn to be forgiving of this body, at least sometimes. Sometimes I am fabulous at greeting an ache or a pain with an enormous amount of compassion. It’s a sort of forgiveness for not being perfect, or better said, not being the way I would like it to be. I have definitely learned that if I resist the reality of this body more suffering will occur. I have gone almost six months without practicing a full forward bend. When this painful ache first began to appear I would back off. Then I would push. Then I would back off. Then push. Then feel exasperated. Then lay off. Then try again. Then I figured it out. Lay off the forward bends and practice something that would feel good. Months without struggling and months of healing occurred. Now, the forward bend is feeling pretty yummy.

I was recently with a yogi who said she was having a hard time getting over something another person had said to her. It sounded as though she wanted to move on, but couldn’t. She seemed stuck. She seemed like she didn’t know how to forgive. This stuckness was keeping her from being able to take part in something she seemed to want to take part in. I wonder what would have to happen for there to be movement in this situation. How can we forgive someone when that someone doesn’t have the slightest clue that they may have had something to do with that crackling noise in our bones?

Shortly after this, I was with another yogi who was talking about some significant pain their partner had created, and was continuing to create in their family. This yogi was in so much pain. This yogi said aloud how much desire there was to forgive, but the mind was involved at such a level that the struggle seemed to this person like it might never end. Will this yogi find forgiveness behind the ribs and other parts that protect the heart? Is there such a thing as un-forgiveable?

Haven’t we all been there at one point or another? Haven’t we all believed that there was “too much water under the bridge” or too much time had passed or words or actions couldn’t be taken back. Haven’t we all believed we couldn’t change or someone else couldn’t change? Haven’t we all believed it was just too late to change our minds and forgive or see something in a different light?

When I was a freshman in high school my maternal grandfather died. It was such a loss. My grandparents lived about ten miles from us and were huge part of our day-to-day lives, especially my grandfather. He was the kind of grandfather who brought donuts to our house every Saturday morning of my childhood so he could watch cartoons with us. He watched us open our Santa Claus presents at 6 in the morning. He had the amazing ability to help each of us (my brother, sister and I) shine in our own ways. He was cuddly and loveable and available. He was present with us. So, following his death there was some conflict that seemed to be un-resolvable between my mother and maternal grandmother. Due to this conflict, the relationship with my maternal grandmother was severed. I always believed severed for good. I mean no relationship. None. Zippo. No contact. I mean missing all three of your grandchildren graduate from high school, college and graduate school. I mean missing your two granddaughters walk down the aisle. I mean missing all four of your great grandchildren come into this world. Nineteen years, yep nineteen years of no contact, and then…there was a shift. There was forgiveness between mother and daughter. There wasn’t too much water under the bridge after all.

There have been times when I have caused some pain or a lot of pain and wanted desperately to be forgiven. There have been times I have believed whole heartedly that I had done damage beyond repair. I couldn’t imagine forgiving myself, never-the-less someone else forgiving me. How do we decide to forgive ourselves for our imperfections and other people for theirs? Is it even possible to forgive other people if we can’t learn to first forgive ourselves?

Sometimes I wonder if the things I believe other people need forgiven for are really about me. For instance, if I am angry with someone for trying to bully me, I wonder if I need forgiven for having bullied someone else. Or, if I am upset with someone for not communicating with me about a concern, maybe that person doesn’t need forgiven, but maybe I need to be forgiven for all of the times I have been a poor communicator. As I think about it, most of the time there is something about my own junk that is stinking up a stilted forgiveness of someone else.

I have recently begun working with a woman who assists me in the practice of inquiry. This is the Byron Katie form of inquiry. You take a look at beliefs (or thoughts that you are clinging to which result in suffering) and determine if they are true, I mean really know in your bones without a doubt true. There is a part of this inquiry process where you “turn around” your belief to see if it could be true or truer. Well, let me tell ya, there can be a bit of a punch with such work. So, for instance, let’s say I’m walking around this planet believing you should respect me. Well, okay, I would like that to be true, but well, I can’t really know that is true that you should respect me. So, turn the belief “you should respect me” around and the statement is “I should respect you” or the turn around could be “I should respect me.” How could that be true or truer. Hmm. Or here is another one….I believe what you said is disrespectful and doesn’t honor my experience. Okay, so is it true? I believe what you said is disrespectful and I do believe you don’t honor my experience. Is it really true? Can I know in my bones that you don’t honor my experience or that what you said is disrespectful? Hmm. Nope. Can’t really know it. Can have a belief about it, but not know it. The turn around…”what I said is disrespectful and doesn’t honor your experience” or “I don’t respect what I say and I don’t honor my experience.” How could either of those turn arounds be true or truer than the original belief. Let’s just say they could be way true or truer.

Recently I was given the gift of watching a yogi find forgiveness of a transgression that could have ended a long and very loving relationship. The forgiveness came from the heart and not the mind. I was able to witness someone genuinely live from their heart. It is a moment I will never forget. I believe I witnessed someone demonstrate their enlightenment. As Eckhart Tolle says “Enlightenment means choosing to dwell in the state of presence rather than in time. It means saying yes to what is.” Observing this showed me that on the surface, we may seem fragile, but underneath the bones and parts, there is strength to forgive that is stronger than we can imagine.

I don’t believe I am done walking this path of learning about forgiveness. I continue to learn how to forgive myself and other people. This practice has helped me see there is always a bigger picture. When I use the practice of inquiry I end up recognizing my own freedom..freedom from believing who we are is fragile, freedom from suffering, freedom from identifying with thinking, freedom to live in forgiveness, freedom from the belief that I am separated from the love that I am and that you are. There is this resting in love that isn’t fragile and that can’t ever truly be broken, even if we are just girls and boys.



“The Power of NOW 52 Inspirational Cards” Eckhart Tolle ISBN 1-57731-219-8
Ingrid Michaelson’s song is Breakable on the Girls & Boys Album
Byron Katie’s website is www.bryonkatie.com or www.thework.com